IAMT #9: "It's Your Friends Who Break Your Heart" by Jennifer Senior Read-Over
in regards to most of the crying i did the past decade
It's Your Friend's Who Break Your Heart
When this first came out in 2022, I was obsessed with this article. I used to listen to this on the 2.5hr drive to and from my S/O without fail for a good two months. The original site now gates the read-over audio on mobile behind a paywall, so I thought I’d read it myself.
The original is 55 minutes long, which wasn’t the most digestible. I’d listen to it on 1.5 speed usually but wanting my recording to be a little different, I removed certain excerpts to cut roughly 20 minutes. There might be confusing transitions on a first listen, but I hope it’s not too jarring.
I’ll get better at being less monotonous.
Last week, I had this dream where I serendipitously met with an old friend whom I haven’t talked to in years. We caught up in a way that only genuine friends could: sharing life goals, how they’ve been, how they’ve felt. For a brief moment, I felt the catharsis of reviving something I had once thought of as lost.
I’ve found that the reality of repairing friendships is often disappointing. Even the last time we met a few years ago, we didn’t share anything of substance, as if we had a silent mutual understanding that there was no point.
In the past decade of my life, some of the most acute emotional pains I’ve experienced are derived from exactly this. There are many ways to lose a friend, but the most painful, I’ve found, is explained at some point in the article.
Friendships are a unique type of relationship, in that they require both parties to continually opt in. Having that desire to keep someone in your circle, contrasted with the realization that they’re purposefully opting out or giving you a bare minimum, is heart-wrenching. The relationship goes on life support and peters out.
Instances of nostalgia or small bouts of hope you might have for the relationship are followed by a dreadful relapse of these feelings, after you sober up to reality. I’m years down the line on some of these broken friendships and I still feel this, albeit I process through the emotions in a matter of hours rather than days/weeks it took me previously.
Let me know if any of you have been able to bring back a friendship from this point, because I never have.
This will be part one of (what I expect to be) an informal four part series. Although most of the solo projects I’ve done were for myself and for my own interest, my favorites generally involve my loved ones in some way.
This week’s post laments failed friendships.
Next week’s is about a project I made to celebrate one.
More on friends soon.
- chib
I havent listened yet but sometimes the most heartbreaking goodbyes are the ones that aren't said out loud. They're the ones that leave you with just the memory of what used to be
I feel like in the past, I never cared about double or triple or quadruple texting because if there was a friend that I liked and that I wanted to see, I would reach out. But now, I do view friendships and relationships a lot differently. I’m not perfect, and I acknowledge that I have PLENTY of faults. But at the same time, I also know there’s a lot that I bring to the table as well in terms of being a friend. The point is, if I don’t sense a similar degree of excitement or desire from someone else to continue their friendship with me, I’m ok with that because I can be that friend for someone else. Of course, there are exceptions and people out there that I am willing to go the extra mile for. But yeah.. honestly there really is only one friend that I truly cared about and wished were still in my life that isn’t now. And I should feel lucky about that I guess because so many of the friends that I really love, are still with me.